One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. "Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"What! I don't believe it!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330?"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
New proposed languages being taught in American schools:
Afro-American Speak -- Ebonics ("Ebony" and "Phonics")
Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics
Native-American Speak -- Kimbosabics
Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics
Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics
Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics
Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics
Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics
Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics
Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics
Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics
German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
French-American Speak -- Cornichonics (or Escargonics)
Oakland School Board Speak -- Moronics
Bill Clinton -- Bubbaonics
THREE PINTS OF GUINNESS
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America,the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Two guys were riding down the street in a car. They come to a red light. The driver runs the red light. The passenger cries out "Hey, why did you do that?" The driver says, "Don't worry about it, my brother does it all the time." They came to another red light, and the same thing happens. The passenger is visably upset and threatens to get out of the car the next chance he gets. At the next light, which is green, the driver slams on his brakes and comes to a screeching halt. The passenger is confused and asks, "What the heck is wrong with you? You ran two red lights but you stop at the green one." The driver responds:"My brother might be coming from the other way!"
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals and taken before their chief. The chief spoke to them and said, "Well, since we have captured you, we are going to kill you, eat you, and use your bodies to make canoes! However, we will allow you to choose how you would like to die."
The Frenchman replies, "I choose ze poison." He was given a small bottle and with a cry of Vive le France!", he drank it down, convulsed, and died.
The Englishman answered, "I would like a pistol." He was given a pistol, and with a shout of "God save the Queen!" blew his brains out.
The New Yorker repiled "I want a fork." He was given a fork, and proceeded to stab himself all over his body with it and began bleeding profusely.
The chief looked in horror at the New Yorker, who was now bleeding from numerous holes in his body, and cried, "What in the world are you doing?"
To which the New Yorker simply snarled, "Make your freaking canoe NOW, pygmy-boy!"
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. "Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $330." the vet replied.
"What! I don't believe it!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330?"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
New proposed languages being taught in American schools:
Afro-American Speak -- Ebonics ("Ebony" and "Phonics")
Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics
Native-American Speak -- Kimbosabics
Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics
Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics
Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics
Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics
Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics
Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics
Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics
Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics
German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
French-American Speak -- Cornichonics (or Escargonics)
Oakland School Board Speak -- Moronics
Bill Clinton -- Bubbaonics
THREE PINTS OF GUINNESS
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America,the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Two guys were riding down the street in a car. They come to a red light. The driver runs the red light. The passenger cries out "Hey, why did you do that?" The driver says, "Don't worry about it, my brother does it all the time." They came to another red light, and the same thing happens. The passenger is visably upset and threatens to get out of the car the next chance he gets. At the next light, which is green, the driver slams on his brakes and comes to a screeching halt. The passenger is confused and asks, "What the heck is wrong with you? You ran two red lights but you stop at the green one." The driver responds:"My brother might be coming from the other way!"
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals and taken before their chief. The chief spoke to them and said, "Well, since we have captured you, we are going to kill you, eat you, and use your bodies to make canoes! However, we will allow you to choose how you would like to die."
The Frenchman replies, "I choose ze poison." He was given a small bottle and with a cry of Vive le France!", he drank it down, convulsed, and died.
The Englishman answered, "I would like a pistol." He was given a pistol, and with a shout of "God save the Queen!" blew his brains out.
The New Yorker repiled "I want a fork." He was given a fork, and proceeded to stab himself all over his body with it and began bleeding profusely.
The chief looked in horror at the New Yorker, who was now bleeding from numerous holes in his body, and cried, "What in the world are you doing?"
To which the New Yorker simply snarled, "Make your freaking canoe NOW, pygmy-boy!"
A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not so", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
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